Reminding Yourself

I decided to get out of the house tonight.  Just go and do whatever the hell I could, I was planning on heading over to the mall and hoping I’d run into some one I knew.  Then moments before leaving I got an IM from my ex that I dated back in high school.  I hesitated…then figured what the hell, it’s been awhile.  So I invited her along, she accepted and off we went.

I won’t lie, I was nervous.  Will this be awkward, will I regret this?  We haven’t seen each other in years, maybe four years, I’m not too sure to be honest.  We dated for two years in high school and into college.  It was a great relationship, and the first serious relationship I ever had.  We made so many great memories though naturally towards the end of things they got worse and ultimately led to a somewhat nasty break up.  We had seen each other afterward so I knew we could see each other and be cool, but still…I was nervous!

It was all too familiar driving the same route to her house that I’ve done hundreds of times.  Turning onto her street, pulling in her driveway.  There’s a new truck, her dad always leases and then trades in for the newest one every so often.  Then she walks out of the house, she looks older, slightly different here and there but for all means and purposes I see the same girl I’ve always seen.  That is just so interesting to me, you hear a lot that people never change, but maybe we don’t let ourselves see the change in people.  I notice this all too well, I’m looking and talking to this girl who has changed phsyically and in so many ways that you can’t see by just looking at a person but all I see is the same girl I dated six years ago.

This is my head for the first ten minutes that I’m with her “bad idea, bad idea, this is awkward, stupid Neil, bad idea, no smile it’ll all be fine…bad idea” haha, its true.  I mean, it wasn’t that bad but I won’t deny the truth, I was feeling a small pinch of regret.  The conversation felt slightly awkward at first, then came one side of her I always disliked.  Sometimes when she used to tell stories to people she didn’t know well she got this fake ditzyish quality to her words, and I don’t mean to criticize at all but it just feels so above the surface you know?  I could never stand it and when it began to come out I wanted to do something like jack the car door open and roll right out.  Haha, I’m being extreme there, its like when you catch a whiff of anything you dislike, you recoil at first then regain your composure.  It wasn’t that bad and to my surprise very short lived.

Because then something happened, she smiled naturally and laughed genuinely.  And all at once there she was, the same girl I knew and still know, back next to me talking the same way we always could.  It was back in some capacity, the chemistry we had, it felt comfortable and it was okay.  The conversation flowed effortlessly, it became nostalgic.  Memories rushed back and they still are, there are many…two years is a long time to spend with a person.  Its amazing how much we allow ourselves to forget, we remember the extremes but how unimportant they become in hindsight, in the larger picture of things.

The rest of the night was enjoyable, I saw her parents, they’re awesome people.  The three of them together are so much fun to watch, I’d try to put it in words but I wouldn’t be able to do them justice.  They’re just something you have to see for yourselves.  After saying goodbye, good to see you and all, she IMed me later in the night.  She said “cheer up, you seem sad,” I was caught off guard, I don’t really feel sad but it intrigued me. 

“You are usually a very confident person…and I just didn’t feel that from you, which made me think you are sad.”

I don’t know what to make of it, it reminds me of more, of what used to be, what I used to be like.  Maybe when she looks at me she still sees the same guy that I was.

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